American Oblivion

Little Earthquakes

2012-01-17T04:27:00.000-05:00

Oh these little earthquakes

Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

Just Saying...

2010-09-13T00:07:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure that the older I get, the less I know for sure. When I was younger, I "knew" everything in the mainstream was "wrong" and I wanted to rebel against it. Now, I'm not so sure... I don't feel as opinionated anymore. I think it's because I now understand people can't be as easily judged as I once believed. In fact, I try now to be as non-judgmental as possible because you can never tell from the outside what someone is enduring on the inside. I've lived the majority of my adult years trying to trust that the universe has better things in-store for me, but blind faith is also a difficult test of character.... In the end, I feel that it's just better to live and let live. Attempting to resist the natural urge to make snap judgments and thus be withheld from the same.

Night Shade

2010-05-11T17:45:00.001-04:00

Let's go for a walk
and talk in rambling tones.
We'll sneak through the
cemetery and drink beer
on the graves. Let's lay face
up in the grass and stare
at stars. I want you to
tell me all of your what's,
where's and how's.

After you've finally
worked up the nerve
to share something
real, we'll roll on our sides
and you can brush leaves
off my shirt. Then, right
there on that grave of
Rosey May, beneath
that inky black sky,
your heart will join mine.

Wager

2010-05-11T14:21:00.003-04:00

Even though I stand here,
I look ahead
squinting my eyes against
the bright shine of you.

The sudden light reveals
that look of empty loss,
which can only
(usually)
be detected by catching
you off guard
or, by seeing you
out of the corner of my eye.

You hide it when looked
at directly, denying it
even exists.

It makes me wonder
what bit into your flesh
and ate your soul
almost so completely.
It feels as though you
somehow blame yourself
for allowing it to happen.

Maybe you made a deal
in the wrong dark alley?
It might just possibly be
how people look
after years of not
knowing when,
but, that definitely
one day; someone is
coming to collect
what they wagered.

Rant

2010-05-08T04:22:00.000-04:00

I'm just at the point where the word annoyed does not aptly describe how I feel. I cannot suffer fools gladly no matter how hard I try to see the common ground. I want to look at certain people and just scream in-cohesive statements out of pure frustration. I seriously do not understand how a brain could lack so many basic skills of common sense. I think my own head is going to explode if I keep thinking about this topic and those that it concerns.......................and I hate this judgmental part of myself, but for christ's sakes what am I suppose to do?

Florescence

2010-05-05T16:18:00.005-04:00

This owned part of my soul
I sold to you so long ago
can not help
(by nature or cosmic obligation)
but to let you back in.

I try to fight
the good fight
(with soul wrenching resistance)
only to get knocked
from the figurative ring.

I argue with my head
but the heart always wins.
Like a bug drawn towards light
I bang myself into her
again & again.

Balancing the Beasts

2010-04-25T15:59:00.000-04:00

Two nights ago, I dreamt of a huge balance scale in the middle of a field. I remember feeling relieved that someone had finally built it. I thought to myself that there's now something large enough to weigh the really big things.

Great Expectations

2010-04-24T00:55:00.000-04:00

I lay on a couch that I have never seen. Located in a room that I've never been in. Inside a house that is not mine. On a street, in a town I know nothing about. With a feeling no different than usual. Once again, not as I hoped. In a struggle for an equal I never find. Holding a heart still half broke.

The sum of 4

2010-04-06T17:56:00.001-04:00

The wrongs and rights
The comings and goings
The unfairness of past
love and war
All fell aside with
those four words,

I’m in the hospital.

3:19

2010-04-02T02:11:00.001-04:00

I'm outta bed and onto
the street within half
a minute. The sounds
are only reaching my
ears like I'd been listening,
in close proximity,
to loud music.
I feel sorta underwater or
distant from everyone
else. No one notices
and I make a point
not to panic. I
enter the next dark
and ambient 4 o'clock
bar I can find.
Give me a pint of
Gumball Head, I whisper.
I glance sideways to
see which sideways
glances are peering at
me. The usual suspects
oblige my eyes.
I'm thirstier than
I ever remember
having been.
The bits and the
pieces of the half
spoken sentences enter
my half heard brain.
In four long pulls
the glass is empty.
My hands are shaking
and the room
suddenly seems so
loud that it's quiet.
I wonder why she
keeps looking at
me. I watch her
stand-up and motion
for me to follow along
outside. She tells me
I was starring. Then
she takes me by the
hand and says to
be still. I close
my eyes and when
her mouth meets mine,
I remember this
moment from the
dream that awoke me.

Peter Parker

2010-04-02T01:54:00.004-04:00

Suddenly I'm reminded
of that stunning black &
white picture.
Head thrown back.
Eyes closed,
wide grin.
That was then.
Who are you now?
"Just Peter Parker"
she says,
"waiting to be Spiderman again."

For my son

2010-04-02T01:47:00.001-04:00

I know
he's out there,
on that
same fringe.

I think
he's struggling
to understand
it all too
impossibly well,
in his own
struggling way.

He doesn't
know that
I understand
it,
the things that
it's not fair
that he
already
ought to.

It's a blessing
and a curse,
this life
of precise
self-actualization.

This cumulative average
and output
of self-imposed
deprivation.

Isolation.

A partition
in your head
between you
and them.

Self-preservation
from the ability
to feel keenly,
too much,
and
beautifully,
everything.

In Essence

2010-04-01T00:17:00.000-04:00

When I look into her eyes my smile comes from such a place of peace. When she takes me in her arms, I feel all upside down and safe. I can not imagine what she sees. I hope that it's love..even when I can't express it any other way than to tell her goodbye. Setting her free to find the something better I know she deserves.

Magic Soaking My Spine

2010-03-24T01:41:00.000-04:00

The peace and stillness in my heart
felt so wonderful while it lasted.
Like water dripping off my
hair after just having been washed by
the golden hands of an imagined goddess.

My inner spaces seemed to have been
aired out and wrung dry.
They were clean,
bright white and freshly scented,
with fabulously,
sparkly, crisp edges.

I never thought the thoughts of this
possible possibility
to even be really
possible (ever at all).
The universe knew that I knew.
It told me so when the mail arrived
the day before my decision was
even thought of.

When the words were spoken,
it sounded like she'd suddenly dislodged
piece of hard candy from HER throat.
I thought it must be have been
a hastily spoken alternative.
A red-herring meant to uncover a
hidden head still
buried in the sand.
Instead, agreement, not argument
ensued.

With the next leap of faith,
I spoke honestly to love.
She told me to find another way.
I guess she meant it.
(For once, someone that
says what they mean
and means what they say.)

I told her that it wouldn't take HER
long to self-sabotage the
whole deal.
(Sooner than I thought, in fact.)
She said she hoped it
would end up to be true
and that she, herself, would get
the girl in the end.

Either way, it was
almost two whole days of bliss.
I know it will return again.

Progress from the inside out and the outside in.

Holding onto rocks

2010-03-18T15:41:00.002-04:00

Last night I dreamt
that I was
a young Tuscan girl
with long,
midnight black,
flowing hair.

I was wearing
a black gauze dress
with no stockings
or shoes on.

I was sitting
on top of a large hill
carpeted with lush
green grass.

My voice
was stuck inside
medium sized
gray rocks
and I was
breaking
them open
because
I had something
to say.

Things I know for sure...

2010-03-18T15:15:00.002-04:00

Good Aim

2010-03-18T15:09:00.002-04:00

"But, it doesn't HAVE to be this way."
I heard her say
I smile
a halfhearted smile
knowing
that she doesn't understand
what it's taken ME
so long to figure out.

It's never been
a choice
or my choice
or HER choice.
Some where
some how
and for some reason
(understood by someone - hopefully)
a big, red circle was drawn
around the spot
that I now stand in.

Caught between
this speeding silver bullet
and the target on my head.

Short Story

2010-03-09T15:47:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time...

There was a little girl named, Sublime. She thought she knew what it was all about. She thought she had a plan, plain and simple. Things would fall into place with no effort on her part, just like usual.

Today, all grown up and looking a little tired, she now knows better.

The End

The inevitable defeat and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak.

2010-03-03T23:40:00.003-05:00

Once in awhile, a person comes along...
that makes my "hope bone" start to act up.

As simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing.
If the fates (or I) allow, we connect.
*Magic*
(black or white - too soon to tell)

"Pour me a big ol' glass of this, cuz I'm thirsty."
...I hear myself say.

That's the moment.
Right then & there.
It's done.
Instant love.
*Just add me*
(again)
Atoms smashing, planets colliding, fates allowing,
destiny fullfilled.

Until....

Time takes hold and
the newness gets dusty.
My voice gets weary and grows quiet
in direct proportion to your faults being revealed.
I begin an unreliable,
yet steady limp
toward your inevitable feeling of being at fault
for "something".
*Cringe*

Those spoken words grow heavy
in the space
between my brain and ears.
They become the first important layer placed
on my newly calibrated
and delicately balanced scale.

Feeling unmasked,
as if I'm seeing you for the first time
with new eyes,
Justice is no longer blind.

From then on,
for reasons as simple as a word, gesture, smile, feeling or
next to nothing,
the tipping scale swings.
*Judge and Jury*

Contractions of inconvenient, annoying, pitiful and
wretched feelings set in.
The final push begins.
A train that can't be stopped.
*Caution ahead*

I brush off my villainous disguise and
give a hardy laugh.
Hands tied, mouth gagged, and squirming,
I throw your rope-bound body across the tracks.
You never had a chance.

The inevitable defeat
and other tales of self-inflicted heartbreak
has already ended.
*With my condolences*

Explaination

2010-03-03T23:28:00.000-05:00

Blogging about it all was just making me exhausted and having to remember all the details (sometimes best forgotten) was getting to me. Every time I'd read one of my posts, I was taking myself back to when things happened and reliving it all over again. Too hard to 'forgive' when the past was constantly a fresh, glaring reminder of the pain caught in a timeless moment on the written page. Does that make any sense?

Love it seems...

2010-01-27T13:33:00.004-05:00

Love it seems, tends to come and then go. Sometimes it is fierce and consuming and deceiving, or maybe that's the wrong word. Maybe love is just always love, no matter how silly it feels afterward. After pushing it's way in, up, through, out and onward. Leaving me feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I believed it, molded it and made it into truth. My truth, even if only for a short while. But, the real truth, whatever that might be, comes crashing in and wakes me up, throws me under a bus, or shines a bright light in my eyes. Makes me see things for what they are(n't).

I keep grasping at the straws that this time aren't falling. I keep reaching for the door only to find that this time it's wide open. I keep going to the windows seeing if they still open - and they do. I don't feel a prisoner. I don't feel suspicious. I don't feel pressured or cramped or angry or scared or sorry or afraid. I keep checking - but it's just not there.

Strange, odd, empty and airy spaces that feel like they once contained something - something monumental - that was - but is no longer there. A large room with white walls, big bright windows with light flooding into the place. Brown hardwood floors, slightly dusty from what was there, now having been moved out. The dust is all that's left and even that is just a trace. The kind of place where you are sure that if you were to listen hard enough, you might be able to hear the voices that once occupied the space. Then you do listen, but all you end up hearing are the sounds of cars on the street below.

It's just gone - whatever it was. And now is the time to see it empty - empty and waiting to be filled with someones next - but not mine - not here. I just needed to see it and believe that it's gone and over. To say goodbye. To walk across the floors for the last time, hearing all the familiar creaks. Feel the light on my face now that the curtains have been removed. It was never anything but this - but a space - where a scene took place.

I whisper a little thank you in the warm sunshiny-ness. Reach for the door that opens with ease, and step out, closing it behind me. I now have space again or for the first time, that I have chosen - on the inside. That's what this odd feeling is. That's why I didn't recognize it. I didn't know what it was and it couldn't tell me. I had to find it on my own.

That's why she's here now. There's room for her to come in. To walk up to me and take my hand. She's letting me put my head on her broad shoulder and she speaks to me. A quiet, comforting, gentle heart that says, "Rest with me. Tomorrow you become new."

After all...

2010-01-21T13:46:00.004-05:00

After all is said
and
done
time
goes by
and you
are still the
"one"

that holds
me
back
from achieving
ME
each time...

...except this one.

The Patient Past

2009-12-29T17:51:00.000-05:00

She appeared
as if from nowhere,
anywhere but there
or here.
No, I did not know her
or her me,
as unlikely as it seems.
Then - would have made
this - impossible.
Such a distant, patient past
waiting for us to be.
Knowing then
what we didn't
until now.

Then she appears
as I lift my head from sleep.
Anywhere but here seems likely.
No, she is there, still.
Or, is that me?
She wakes
and smiles in my direction
this melty, fuzzy, butterfly filled, perfection.
Such a sight to see that
waiting for it to happen
makes me believe
I want to fall asleep again
with anticipation.

Over Exposed

2009-11-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

A light in the shadowy places begins to shine. So many are there, lurking, wanting it to burn out (me and themselves along with it).

I see the reflection of their gnashing teeth and sideways smiles in the mirror behind me (looking at them directly yields no such horrors). Instead of turning around (this time), I step to the side and offer them safe passage. Out of the darkness where they can finally be seen, exposed and set free.

A few come forward tentatively, easily explained. Others slink by and dodge my glance, hoping to go unnoticed. Then a hoard, a loud tumbling mass of arms and legs and angry cries, spill out into my view. Startled - I gasp - then hold my breath rather then smell their seething viciousness and contempt as they pass.

Just when it seems all is clear, I notice a few more cowering in the corner, barely visible. I pull on their subconscious tentacles that are attached somehow to me, but can't loosen the slimy, cold grip. I reach for the silver shears and begin cutting them away, one by one. Money goes loose, fear is set free, worry & anguish are released, the past is hacked off....

SHE is the last to appear, a sheep in wolf's clothing. I open my arms to give her a hug goodbye whisper in her ear and then watch as she disappears.

Ain't Love (a) Grand (illusion)?

2009-11-18T16:23:00.006-05:00

The end of July/start of August 2009 brought about a flurry of unexpected events in my life. I could write a chronicle of everything that has taken place. However, I think I would rather cut to the chase....

Over the past 3 months or so, I have realized these important things:

1.) I am not ready to be in a committed relationship.
2.) It is what it is.
3.) Sometimes you read the writing on the wall and other times you are the author.
4.) Fat Tire is a truly delicious beer.
5.) I am balancing imperfectly on the tightrope of life.
6.) Try not to take yourself or anyone else too seriously.
7.) Wolves always end up shedding their sheep costumes.
8.) Honesty really is the "best policy" (a very revolutionary concept!).
9.) People living in glass houses rarely consider how clean their own windows are.
10.) Tomorrow is always a new day.

Keep in mind, these are in no particular order :)

Unconfined

2009-09-09T08:39:00.002-04:00

I watch her sleeping
and wait for her to wake
with those sleepy eyes,
quiet sighs and heart full of
aches and pains.

I touch her skin,
I kiss her lips
and study her face
with my fingertips.

I hang on every last one
of her unspoken words
which all sound
like some song
that I’ve
never,
ever heard.

I breathe in her sweetness
while she rests in my arms
tempting her soul to believe
that it’s no longer in harm.

Our bodies
and minds intertwined,
I finally drift off to sleep.
Side by side,
with the past behind
and exceptionally more than
I had ever hoped to find.

9/09/09

Say it ain't so

2009-08-15T00:17:00.008-04:00

I can't
whisper the words
even to myself

Disbelief
gratefulness
utter
inner
profound
fill up the pit
bottomless
hopefulness
all at
o
n
c
e

Finally....
possibly?
Really?

Never
believed
it would happen
again
not again
but
m
a
y
b
e
truly
afraid to say
it ain't so
for the first time

That
LOVE?
L
O
V
E
could
come
here
now
true

What if?
...I'm dreaming
then as said
before
don't wake me
I want to stay
in this sleep
f
o
r
e
v
e
r
or die happy
at this very
moment

Message of Love - The Pretenders

2009-08-15T00:11:00.003-04:00

Now the reason were here
As man and woman
Is to love each other
Take care of each other
When love walks in the room
Everybody stand up
Oh its good, good, good
Like brigitte bardot
Now look at the people
In the streets, in the bars
We are all of us in the gutter
But some of us are looking at the stars
Look round the room
Life is unkind
We fall but we keep gettin up
Over and over and over and over and over and over

Me and you, every night, every day
Well be together always this way
Your eyes are blue like the heavens above
Talk to me darlin with a message of love
Now the reason were here
Every man, every woman
Is to help each other
Stand by each other
When love walks in the roomEverybody stand up
Oh its good, good good
Say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

The long glance backwards

2009-06-13T01:36:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure no one looks at this blog anymore, but just in case.... I wanted to say that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and gratitude in my heart. I was randomly clicking on some of my old posts and they were ripping my heart out. A few years ago I was in such a DARK place in my life. I know now that had it not been for this blog and the readers back then, that I would NOT have made it through many of those days. My first thought was to erase this blog and release it all to the universe. But, I'm not ready to lose this record of the road I traveled to become the person I am now and who knows, maybe I will start writing again...

I know so many of you stranger-friends won't see this post, but I guess I just wanted to say thank you anyways. I also wanted to say that my life is so full now. I feel strong, confident, and happy. I fill my days painting, hanging with my beautiful son and going to school - which I will be finishing in the coming Fall semester!!

The bigger picture is now so clearly visible. I'm glad there were people here that could see it when I wasn't able to. Peace.

I don't want to grow up

2009-03-12T23:04:00.004-04:00

The older I get, the less things I know with certainty.

Tom says it best:

When I'm lyin in my bed at night
I dont wanna grow up
Nothin ever seems to turn out right
I dont wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog
Thats always changing things
Makes me wish that I could be a dog
When I see the price that you pay
I dont wanna grow up
I dont ever wanna be that way
I dont wanna grow up
Seems like folks turn into things
That theyd never want
The only thing to live for is today...
Im gonna put a hole in my tv set
I dont wanna grow up
Open up the medicine chest
And I dont wanna grow up
I dont wanna have to shout it out
I dont want my hair to fall out
I dont wanna be filled with doubt
I dont wanna be a good boy scout
I dont wanna have to learn to count
I dont wanna have the biggest amount
I dont wanna grow up

Well when I see my parents fight
I dont wanna grow up
They all go out and drinking all night
And I don't wanna grow up
I'd rather stay here in my room
Nothin' out there but sad and gloom
I don't wanna live in a big old tomb
On grand street
When I see the 5 o'clock news
I don't wanna grow up
Comb their hair and shine their shoes
I don't wanna grow up
Stay around in my old hometown
I don't wanna put no money down
I don't wanna get me a big old loan
Work them fingers to the bone
I dont wanna float a broom
Fall in love and get married then boom
How the hell did I get here so soon
I dont wanna grow up

What more could I have asked for?

2009-01-22T23:06:00.002-05:00

Dad, I love you and miss your big hugs and scratchy beard already. I am grateful to have so many happy memories of you. You taught me how it feels to be truly and unconditionally loved. You showed me that Dads aren't always perfect but, that doesn't mean they should give up trying. You told me that if something is worth doing, then it's worth doing right.

Dad, you had so much happen to you in your life, even from an early age... You could have used any number of things as an excuse to give up, but you didn't. You just changed course and didn't feel sorry for yourself. Your life showed me that things don't always work out they way you think they should, but you deal with it and learn to adjust your own expectations instead.

Thank you for being there for me no matter what. I couldn't have asked for anything more, even though sometimes I did. I was honored to have called you Father in this lifetime. I loved you then, now, tomorrow and can wait to see you in the next one.

Ride free Daddy and enjoy the scenery, salt water taffy, popcorn and fishing along the way.

Anyday - Ani Difranco

2009-01-22T22:54:00.003-05:00

I will lean into you
and you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
and you can come rushing in
you can rush in so hard
and make it so I can't breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you'd make yourself known
probably you don't know I'm her
the woman you want to call home
I'll keep my ear to the wall
I'll keep my eye on the door
'cause I've heard all my own jokes
and they're just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday

have you ever been bent or pulled
have you ever been played like strings
if I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
make you sing
but I guess you can't really see the wind
it just comes in and fills the space
and everytime something moves
you think that you have seen its face
and I've always got my guitar to play
but I can do that anyday

The Root of All Evil

2008-09-15T10:53:00.002-04:00

I had completely forgotten all the amazing lessons
I was fortunate enough to have been dealt

Money
The currency of my lesson
Of my depression
Of my obsession
The conduit of the exceptional
Unbeknownst changeThat my life was to undergo

Back in the Saddle Again

2008-08-20T10:02:00.003-04:00

Where do I begin? Let's see...

My dream came true of successfully running my own retail store, Superfly, for just over a year. I then decided between the commuting costs, overhead, time, etc. that it would be more cost effective going back to strictly online sales. In turn, I closed down the store and spent my summer working my own hours and hanging out with my son at the same time.

Julian's almost twelve now and usually I would be off to work and he'd be in day camps or at the sitter's. So, this was the first time we've ever gotten to spend a whole summer together. We were both thrilled! It was very relaxing, productive and did wonders in the bonding department. Now he is back to school and so am I...

Julian has begun fifth grade at a brand new middle school Fine Arts program. This is the first year for the school and so far he loves it. He is guaranteed at least two class periods a day in subjects such as Graphic Design, Sculpture, Pottery, Dance, Voice, Drama, Band, Painting, Broadcasting, etc. When I was his age, I would have killed to have had the option of going to a school like this. This got me thinking about returning to college and finishing my Fine Arts degree that I abandonded so long ago.

Thus, I began filling out applications, transfer papers, financial aid stuff, getting my transcripts in order and meeting with advisors. Yesterday I registered (ONLINE! - How cool is that?) for classes. I'm taking three classes this semester including a Painting Level II class that I am sooo excited about. I get to spend every Friday from 9am - 2:30 pm actually PAINTING!! Just to have a block of time set aside to do nothing but be creative again sounds like heaven to me. I'm a bit nervous about being an older student, but this is a Community College and so far, every time I've been on campus it looks like I'm not alone. And, I think I only need 16 credit hours and I'll be finished! Wish me luck :)

Other than lots of change, change, change, life is good. I'm on a positive track and can't wait to see where it will lead me.

By the way, I've started up The Big Question again. Be sure to stop by:
http://www.bigquestion2day.blogspot.com/

Paula Cole - 14

2008-03-05T12:45:00.005-05:00

Your eyes they conjure up those Cliffs of Moher,
Far away and not listening anymore,
Dreaming of life on another shore,
Not here, not now, with me, the bore.

So I stop talking and fade to bleak,
Feeling insignifi cant, atrophied and weak.
Even though it's not who I know myself to be,
The Queen, the Confi dence,Doesn't speak.

But I was 14 with my passion, And 15 with my best.
16 with my ego, And zero with the rest.
My heart is a P.O.W. tangled in my chest,
I don't know how to communicate in a cardiac arrest.

Your eyes they drown me in your sadness.
Your words they bring hurricanes.
Braving Shakespearean tempest,
The Mighty Tiger, Doesn't blink.

But I was 14 with my passion, And 15 with my best.
16 with my ego, And zero with the rest.
My heart is a P.O.W. tangled in my chest,
I don't know how to communicate in a cardiac arrest.

I think I found the one,
Silent suffering inside.
The one who got away,
I was too dangerous to hide.

But I was 14 with my passion, And 15 with my best.
16 with my ego, And zero with the rest.
My heart is a P.O.W. tangled in my chest,
I don't know how to communicate in a cardiac arrest.

So I stop talking, baby, cause you always want me to shut up.
Take the center stage meanwhile I become your trusted, silent prop.
So take good care, this mighty woman's ready to explode,
Fire here below the surface of my volcano

Superfly = Super Busy

2007-09-27T08:38:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone!!!

Whewwww.... what a summer it has been. I have had zero time since APRIL to do much of anything except try to run my store and still manage the rest of my life. I totally underestimated how much work it would be. Thankfully I had lots of wonderful people to help me out.

I just wanted to say hi and post a few pics (the posting below) so anyone who might still visit my blog would know I'm alive! I promise to post much more very soon.

Sublime

Finalllyyy... Pictures of my store!

2007-09-27T08:19:00.001-04:00

The time has come to say goodbye...

2007-02-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

...to my full-time job. I've known it was coming for more than a year now. I was told in December ('05) that I needed to start looking for something because our budget was shrinking. Jobs like mine are hard to come by in Oblivion and I haven't had any success in finding a new one.

On the other hand, I have always wanted to be in business for myself full-time. I have had my t-shirt business since 2001 and feel fairly confident that with the addition of some new products, I could be quite successful. So, that's what I'm doing. I have made an investment into some new equipment that will allow me to add a huge number of new items (coffee mugs, license plates, cookie jars, socks, more styles of bags, etc.) plus, it will improve the quality of my t-shirts as well! I'm going to begin building a new retail website and also start focusing more on wholesale sales.

We went to Chicago this past weekend for a little pre-Valentine's Day getaway. We went shopping in Boystown (the predominately Gay neighborhood in Chicago) and walked into Beatnix - a very cool thrift/trendy store. Low and behold, they were selling stickers, pins and patches with my licensed artwork on them! I about fell over and couldn't believe it. Not sure why I was so shocked, because I get a royalty check every quarter for the sales, I just wasn't expecting it I suppose. A store I love was selling my products! It was a surreal feeling. But, DUH!! it got me thinking that I should be the one selling my stuff to the masses, not other companies!!!!

So, I can't believe I am finally going to take the leap of faith! But, I figure if I don't try, I will never know. Plus, I will have a few months of unemployment benefits to supplement my income in the meantime. I'm kinda scared, but also very excited. Friday is my last day....

PINEAPPLE!

2007-02-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

I'm a David Letterman type of girl and due to my loyalty I have obviously missed out on seeing one of the funniest (and most unlikely) television correspondents ever...

Someone forwarded me this link yesterday and I've watched it about 10 times! If you haven't seen Ross the Intern meets Steve Irwin then take a look.

Be prepared to truly LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/v/pa_7P5AbUww

I am not a violent person...

2006-10-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

...really, I'm not...but, this guy makes my blood boil. And, that he (AND his wife) could sit there and say that this was acceptable to do, is beyond belief. Some people need serious help, but these people just need to be locked away for 3 years under the same conditions he was forced to live in.

What to know why school shootings have increased?

2006-10-05T09:24:00.000-04:00

This is part of a message sent to me from a Yahoo Group I belong to. It's called the International Coalition For Drug Awareness. You can also visit their website at http://www.drugawareness.org Due to my own previous experiences with every anti-depressant know to mankind, I believe there is a definite link and something needs to be done about these drugs that are being perscribed like candy. (This will probably be the only time I would EVER list something from Fox News.)

Here's the posting:

Want to possibly know why there's been an increase in school shootings, suicides, and murders by seemingly normal - everyday people, THEN READ THIS!

FOX - VIDEO - National News - School Shooters on Antidepressants
Wed Oct 4, 2006 7:22 pm (PST)

TODAY FOX NEWS ADDRESSED THE ISSUE OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND SCHOOL SHOOTERS.

YOU MAY VIEW THE VIDEO FROM THE LINK BELOW:See video here: _http://mms.tveyes.com/ExpandGuest.asp?ln=140891_ (http://mms.tveyes.com/ExpandGuest.asp?ln=140891) (it may take a moment to open depending on your internet connection speed - press the Play button in the middle)

Amish ShootingThere were MANY clues in this case!

This is the list I sent to the reporters covering this case:

You have a normal, average guy who is even a good husband and father, who, out of the blue, goes on a shooting rampage.

You have the horrifying and vivid nightmares that become so real that you cannot tell the difference between them and reality.

You have a fellow who clearly began acting out the nightmares he was having - technically known as a REM Sleep Behavior Disorder (RBD). We now know that 86% of RBD is antidepressant-induced or perhaps more politically correct would be to say that we know that 86% of those being diagnosed with this are on antidepressants.

You have the reason for most docs to give one of the drugs due to the way Charles Roberts felt about losing his baby daughter.

You have a fellow who is armed to the hilt - he overkill is very common in these cases. For some time I have wondered if the AK-47 or other rapid fire weapons and mountains of ammo come with the prescriptions!

You have Charles Roberts stating that even his happier moments would turn to anger - most patients say that is the only feeling they can feel after a while on the drugs.

You have the rambling suicide notes that make little to no sense at all indicating he had gone completely psychotic on the drug.

You have the claims of molesting people who are completely unaware that it ever happened and have now denied it ever happened - signs of hallucinating, which higher levels of serotonin produce.

You also have another sign of high serotonin - the thoughts of pedophilia - yes that is scientifically documented. Why do you think we have so much pedophilia now to insure Bill O'Reilly's job of chasing sex abusers on Fox News? Oh my, what would Bill do without these drugs?

You also have reports coming from Sarah Glick, the little old Amish woman who runs Glick's Heath Store, that he was preparing to visit one of her daughters, who are natural practitioners (both lost family members in this \ntragedy) because he was sick of how he was feeling and wanted to try the natural way. Doesn't that indicate to you he had tried the medical way and it was not working?

So, has anyone asked if he was taking Vitamin P (Prozac or Paxil), or Vitamin Z (Zoloft) , etc.?
I say this because so few people even seem to consider these drugs.

AMAZING! But true. Of course now we have Vitamin E (Effexor) which has "homicidal ideation" listed as a side effect. Definition of homicidal ideation would be continuous ruminating thoughts of killing. Nice side effect, huh? Did wonders for Andrea Yates at the maximum dose!

Sorry if I sound a little cynical, I am just so tired of seeing SO MANY needless deaths. All I had to do was open the Lancaster, PA today and there was yet another case of a fellow on these drugs, Steven Musser, beating a man to death and having no recall - just like patients on these drugs report. When you do these things in your sleep, how are you suppose to remember?

Ann Blake Tracy, Ph.D., Executive Director, International Coalition For Drug AwarenessWebsite: _www.drugawareness.org_ (http://www.drugawareness.org/)

RECENT LIST OF SCHOOL SHOOTINGS AND LINKS TO ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

Amish Shooting Occurred In An One Room School House Ten children were shot in this tragedy. It Was A Non-Violent Amish Community. Too Many Co-Incidences?

You have a shooter in NC who killed his father and took the gun to school while on Celexa, a shooter in a Toronto college being treated for depression, a shooter in a Colorado High school on antidepressants, a boy in WI who shot and killed his principal who was in an anger management class and being treated for a behavioral disorder and now a massacre at an Amish school.

The rampages all occurred at schools, and the shooters had no motives.

Amish ShootingA truck driver, Charles Roberts, an active Christian and good husband and father who flips out, barricades himself in a schoolhouse, and shoots ten girls, killing five of them and leaving five more hospitalized. The gunman killed himself during a hostage stand off in the one room schoolhouse. He brought lumber to barricade the school house. As he entered the school, he let the males and teachers go, and when police arrived he shot the ten girls execution style with shots to the head.

TODAY FOX NEWS ADDRESSED THIS ISSUE OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND SCHOOL SHOOTERS. YOU MAY VIEW THE VIDEO BELOW:

See video here: _
(http://mms.tveyes.com/ExpandGuest.asp?ln=140891) (it may take a moment to open depending on your internet connection speed - press the Play button in the middle)

Fox News -- The Big Story With John Gibson FNC 10/04/06 17:17:42:

Tragedies like this one in Pennsylvania and in Colorado last week seem to be inexplicable, but listen to this. More often than not, antidepressants are involved. They found antidepressants in Duane Morrison's jeep. And we know that the F.D.A. warned doctors that antidepressants can cause both suicidal and homicidal thoughts.

In 2002 Douglas Kennedy was the first to expose the link between antidepressants and violence, a report that sparked congressional hears and he's here with us now:

>>Four years ago we showed that seven out of the 12 previous school shooters were either on anti-depressants or withdrawing from antidepressants. And since then the trend has continued with 16-year-old Jeff Wise who snapped while on Prozac, killing nine people and wounding five at his high school in Red Lake, Minnesota.

And moments ago I spoke with Sheila Matthews of ablechild.org, trying to get congress to protect schoolchildren from this kind of violence.

So what do you want congress to do here?

>> I want an investigation into the correlation between the psychiatric drugs and the school shooters. I want toxicity screening done on the school shooters to see if they were on any antidepressants because clearly there's a link.
>> When you had a relative who had a bad time on antidepressants. Describe that to me.
>> My brother-in-law committed suicide while withdrawing from antidepressants, and totally out of character, a loving man, we miss him dearly and we want to prevent this from happening.
>> You run into lots of stories like that?
>> That's right.
>> Describe some of those.
>> Well, as a founder of The Able Child, victims come to us all the time, their children are committing suicide on these drugs and we're very concerned. it's a public health issue.
>> Now lots of new studies show antidepressants, not only do they not prevent suicide, they actually cause suicide and violence.
>> That's correct. >> Why are so many people still taking them?
>> Because the evidence is not being broadcast and I think that it's time with all of . . .

Out of Hiding

2006-09-29T10:27:00.000-04:00

Hi all.... if there's anyone left who visits my deserted and much neglected blog.

Just a note to say that I really haven't become a secret agent in hiding, I've just been livin' and lovin' life! But, unfortunately, all that livin' & lovin' hasn't left me much time to blog, save posting The Big Question each day.

My summer seemed to pass in a flash. Filled up with sunshine, a few too many margaritas at times, exercise, weight loss and quite a bit of everything else under the sun. I have truly been enjoying the routine and normality of day-to-day life. It's soooo nice not to be living every day in crisis anymore. I know a while back I would talk about "coming out on the other side" of things, but now I can say I REALLY have. My depression seems to be almost non-existent for the first time in 10 years (The shrink says it's partly due to the exercising), and I'm feeling good about myself in general.

One stunning revelation might be that me and HER have reconnected, rediscovered each other and are currently in the midst of remembering what kept us together for 9 years in the first place. What happened you might ask? Wasn't I miserable for months over HER when she broke up with me last year? Didn't I finally pick myself up off the floor and move on with my life? Yes, to all of those things....

Am I crazy for getting involved with HER again? Maybe, but I think not. We had both gotten to the point where we were each ok and doing fine with out each other. What changed? The answer is simple - she got her act together in a big way and so did I. I feel that if two people can go through all the crap that we endured (literally taken to the brink as you may recall) and end up wanting to start all over again, then either we were meant to be together, or no one else but each other should have to ever put up with us!

I think we both realized that the lessons we each individually learned from our break-up experience were priceless. Afterall, what would it all have been worth if we couldn't then apply those lessons to trying again? I feel we are closer than ever before. I feel loved and appreciated and hopefully I am giving that in return. I know things will never be perfect and disagreements are bound to happen, but it's not the end of the world and doesn't have to be the end of our relationship when it happens. Healing is a process and we each are still gripped by anger and hurt over past events periodically. But, those times are getting further and further apart and new, good memories are replacing them.

So what's the plan now??? Well, we've made the huge decision and commitment to moving out of our state to our very favorite city of CHICAGO!!!! We are both so very excited. This isn't going to happen overnight, but the finishing up of small remodeling jobs on the house has begun in preparation of putting it on the market in the spring. There's nothing we don't love about Chicago, so why not live in the place that you get the most enjoyment from? Everything from the job market, to the diversity, to the endless array of cultural activities is BETTER there.

My goal is to actually be able to open my own pride shop (or share space with an existing store) in Boystown. Gulp! Just typing that out gives me shivers. It is such a dream for me and that it really seems attainable is so thrilling. I feel like my online business has grown so well that it could support a brink and mortar store. I guess time will tell...

Anyway, enough rambling! Hopefully it won't be so long between posts anymore.... I hope everyone is doing well also.

...running south on Lake Shore Drive....

2006-08-15T16:08:00.000-04:00

Here a few photos of my recent biking along
Lake Michigan in Chicago.
It was a perfect day and a great time....

Reinvention

2006-07-17T11:50:00.000-04:00

Promise to self:
I will get to 145 come hell or high-water

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. Even though there have been a few rare occasions when my weight was lower, or average, I always still felt fat. Well, I didn't really know what fat was until the last few years when I reached my highest weight ever. I am only 5' 2" tall and I was up to 232 lbs!! I was depressed, exhausted all the time, had no sex drive (because I felt so gross) and my back constantly hurt.

Last August when me and HER broke-up, the weight slowly started to come off. Mostly because I just wasn't eating due to constantly being so upset. In just over two weeks, it will be almost one year since that happened. I am very happy to report that I'm at about 160 - 165 lbs....I'm not sure, because I don't own a scale (so it's my best guess). Yesterday I tried on a pair of men's size 33 shorts and they were slightly big! I almost fell over and couldn't believe it... Nothing in my closet fits me and I've slowly been buying a few items here and there. I cleaned out my dresser last week and was amazed at how huge the pants were that I use to wear. I am definitely now one of those women (like on weight-loss commercials) standing inside a big pair of old pants and holding the waistband out to show how large they used to be!

My goal is 145 lbs. and I WILL reach it. But, since I have dropped the weight a lot of my body is flabby, especially my thighs and underarms. Because of this, I have been trying to exercise about 4 days a week to try and tone up. I do a mix of running and walking on my treadmill and a few arm exercises with my hand weights. I feel 1000% better! I have more energy, I can walk up 3 flights of stairs without feeling like I was about to keel over, and my sex drive is B-A-C-K!

However, I still tend to see myself through "fat eyes". I mean, sometimes I think I look pretty good, but other times I still feel like I'm 232 lbs. It was pointed out to me that I seem to be a bit obsessive about how I look (big surprise there!). So, I am trying to force myself to appreciate how far I've come and to give myself a break. But, it's very difficult to get over this mental image of myself.... My first step was, for the FIRST time since I was a kid, to wear a tank top in public! I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it is something I never would do before because my arms were so fat. The first time I got ready to go out wearing one, I thought I was going to faint and I felt naked. I asked a friend of mine (before I left the house) if she thought people were going to laugh at me. I really thought it might happen...but, of course it didn't. Now, I'm wearing them all the time and it feels great. The real test might come at swimsuit time :)

Hopefully this doesn't sound egotistical, but it's very strange when I'm out and about shopping, etc. and I notice people (ok, MEN) looking at me. I immediately think my zipper must be down or I have snot hanging out of my nose...or something. It's just been sooo long since people have noticed me, that I'm not use to it. It's all very strange and surreal.

I'll let you know when I make it.
*CHEERS*

Overcoming Abandonment

2006-06-21T09:43:00.000-04:00

This appeared on Post Secret last Sunday.
Here is the email I sent to Post Secret in response:

Frank,

I was instantly brought to tears by the JC Penny Catalog Customer postcard where the sender had written, "Everytime you come home late, I'm afraid you've left me just like my Dad did." in the blanks on the card.

In the past year I've begun to realize that I've suffered from the same fear my whole life. The difference for me was that as a child I always felt abandoned by both of my parents - even though they were both present in my life. It has negatively affected every relationship I have ever had. Because of it, I never allowed myself to trust or get truly close to another person. Last February after being left by my long-time lover, the loneliness became too much to handle and I attempted to take my own life.

Through the process of picking up the pieces and slowly putting my life back together, I have been able to finally let go of my abandonment issues. It is amazing what path life puts you on once you are able to confront and overcome your deepest fears. I want to tell the person who sent in the secret that I hope someday they can learn to trust again too. You did not ask for him to leave you, so stop letting him do it over and over. I'm so glad I have finally decided to stay and I hope you will too.

- Indiana

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

2006-05-31T10:55:00.000-04:00

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test...

...Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through...

Mom

2006-05-16T09:04:00.000-04:00

I didn't make time to go see my Mom on Mother's Day. My time off work was limited on Sunday and I filled my day running around with my son doing errands. At the time, I thought those things were more important to get done first and I would see her later. Before I knew it, I had to go back to work and didn't get to see her. Now, I feel terrible about it.

I think my Mom thinks I don't want to spend time with her or that I don't love her. The truth is, it's really hard for me to be around her because all the pain from her life weighs so heavily upon her. I feel partly responsible for some of that pain. I wish I could take it all away from her and tell her that it's ok. Everything is REALLY ok.

I love my Mother. She has been the only light in life at times. The only person who could tell me it was going to be alright. A person who has loved me unconditionally.

She keeps telling me that time is running out between us and that we need to be spending more of it together. I want to, but I can't and I'm not completely sure why.

The Awakening

2006-05-03T09:06:00.001-04:00

I am awakening
from the slumber of desolation
that has been my life
I've rubbed the sleep from my eyes
and can see more clearly than ever

I feel like I have finally gathered enough strength
to begin turning the page
I see my hand reaching down to pick up the pen
and preparing to start writing a new chapter

The sweet sounds of music have returned to my ears
For so long I couldn't bear to listen
because every song was a reminder
Now, the notes and lyrics are like old friends
welcoming me back and telling me I've made
my way through the darkness
Offering me with open arms
a new soundtrack for my life

I've begun to pray again
with gratitude instead of pain
Thankful for these things
that not so long ago seemed apparent disasters
now coming to light as blessings in disguise

A return to self - a bit more each day
Glancing back at the hurt and anger
that has been shed
It looks thin and transparent
with only a hint of the powerful and
suffocating shape that it once held
Now lifeless and crumbling
unable to affect me any longer
I had forgotten who I was
and am starting to feel comfortable
in my new, shiny skin

Seeing I was truly not walking alone through
that thorny and wicked forest
Apparently guiding me silently along the course
through all of my darkest fears
A hand pulling me from the thicket upon which I'd stumbled
Picking me up and pushing me forward
when I decided I could go no further

The driving force of a divine plan that all along
required me to touch the white hot flame
which I thought was singeing my edges, blackening my skin
and starting to consume me in it's smoldering embrace
Simply my twisted perception of the world
as it appeared through the cracks of my own broken glasses

Suddenly I can see
as if my eyesight were restored by means
of some dusty roadside revival tent preacher
I watch the beads of sweat as they drip
from his forehead onto his lapel
before vaporizing into the storm clouds brewing above
In the brightness from the unexpected flash of lightening
I can see that the fire never actually burned me
but instead had cauterized my gaping wounds
With this glorious realization
I heard the exercised demons scream and howl
as they were carried away by the storms strong winds

Now like a Phoenix rising from those ashes
Feeling weightless as a diver about to
reach the surface
I am gloriously free
and ascending toward normalcy

The small, still voice inside me whispers
"Appreciate the lessons of the recent past
and thank the universe for it's wisdom"
As I reach for his extended hand and
he helps pull me from the water
I reply, "I do"

And stand as a fully awakened soul

Help the Cause

2006-04-24T08:51:00.000-04:00

A group of people I volunteer with are currently trying to get anti-discrimination amendment added to our city's Human Rights Ordinance. So far, the amendment support has been less than stellar (no surprise there)!

One of the local television stations has posted a poll on their website asking people's opinion about passing the amendment. If you wouldn't mind helping, please take a moment to visit their site and vote "YES"! We really need the help...

If you look on the right hand column of the main page http://www.wndu.com/index.php down toward the bottom, there's a poll asking: "Do you think a clause against sexual orientation discrimination should be added to the city code?"

Thanks everyone!!

F*ck, Dammit, Uggghhhh!

2006-04-20T09:23:00.000-04:00

Damn it! I'm upset and want to throw a fit....

For the last two months I have been taking a temporary break from my t-shirt business (http://www.qweargear.com) to try and get myself "together". Yesterday I emailed my #1 distributor to talk about the date that I would start business back up to full speed. He replied today and said that he's not going to pick my line back up because he hired a designer, bought equipment and has been producing designs himself.

The arrangement was perfect. He listed my designs on his website and each time he got an order, it would be emailed to me. I would make the shirts and send it to the customers directly, under his company name. At the end of the month, I would send him a bill for the orders. Simple as that.

I guess it's my own fault, but we had an understanding that my time off was just temporary...

Does anyone need a unemployed, wholesale t-shirt supplier???

The Choice is Yours

2006-04-17T09:53:00.000-04:00

I read this today in an email that a friend forwarded to me. I am posting it as a reminder for myself.

"If something is important enough to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse. Often, difficult circumstances can challenge you, but they can not stop you. Only you can stop you.

Others can give encouragement, can teach you and help you or they can hold you back. Only you can decide what to do with it all and what to make out of what you've been handed.
There are some roads that lead to success and others that lead to despair. The path you are on depends entirely on the path you have chosen.

Whether you see your life filled with beauty and positive possibilities, or whether you see no hope at all - Your own perception will turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy. So which one will You choose to see?

The world which you choose to experience and the world you choose to live in is precisely the world where you will be in.

The choice is yours. "

- Rex Barker

The Onion

2006-04-13T08:48:00.000-04:00

I truly laughed out loud this morning.

Why blog about this? Because lately it rarely happens to me.

What was the source that spurred my outburst? For those of you familiar with it, the answer will not be surprising. For those of you unfamiliar, please acquaint yourself immediately with "America's Finest News Source", a parody newspaper called The Onion.

In particular, the laughter came from reading this headline and story that appeared on the front page of today's edition.

The genius of The Onion goes without saying...

On another note, isn't is funny that the blogger spell check doesn't recognize the word, "blog" ?

Hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water...

2006-04-11T16:26:00.001-04:00

It's been five days since I discovered the multiple hotel room charges (all within the last two weeks) on HER bank statement.

It's been five days since I packed up her things into garbage bags and boxes and asked her to move out when she walked through the door. During the course of the ensuing argument she left without taking her stuff.

Afterwards, I left for the weekend. Time away to TRY and clear my head. It's been four days since I immediately began to waver in my conviction. Sometimes it's hard to remain angry...but then I remember.

It's been one day since we spoke face to face. Of course, it was all "I'm sorry" and "You're the person I want to be with" and "I wasn't planning on seeing her [the other woman] anymore". I wish I could believe it, but I know that I can't. "You can do this" the small, still voice inside me whispers. I again tell her that I want her to leave.

Looking into the face of the woman I love and telling her to move out is the hardest thing I have ever done. Even after it all, I do still love her and probably always will. I have just FINALLY, finally, finally had enough of the hurt and pain.

I helped her carry the things out to her vehicle. My eyes started to well up with tears, but I held them back. I said, "This will make things better" (not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself). I hugged her goodbye and breathed a surprising deep sigh of relief. A weight lifted...

It's only been five minutes since I thought of her last, four minutes since I reassured myself this is the right thing to do, three minutes since I finished my silent prayer for strength. One minute since I realized I don't have to care or let it hurt me any more.

I hear Huey Lewis sing...
"Let her go and start over.
There ain't nothing that I can do.
Let her go and start over.
Baby, it's up to you.
Let her go and start over."

Flying Spaghetti Monster

2006-04-04T11:14:00.000-04:00

This has to be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. I think I'm going to order a t-shirt immediately.

Act I

2006-03-27T10:54:00.003-05:00

The platforms of stability that she has temporarily rested upon in the past few months each turned out to be trap doors. The exposed actions of another person too nauseating to document in detail.

She thinks of it all and lets the anger well up and bubble over like hot sticky tar, clinging to her skin and seeping into every pore. The anxiety takes over and feels like maddening little restless bugs crawling beneath her scorched and blistering skin.

Another wrung on the infinite ladder breaks, lowering her one more step down into the bottomless pit. The clarity at the top is now just a tiny pinpoint of light she must strain to perceive.

*She suddenly screams at the top of her lungs*

"I'm pounding my head against a wall. Being stepped on, lied to, fucked over and treated like shit. When will I have my fill?? When is enough, enough? Why do I continue to live in this madness? What the hell is wrong with me?"

*Silence*

No response from the stoic universe.

*Then a small, still voice like a whisper on the wind speaks*

"You'll be given as much as YOU want."

*But, she fails to hear it because the ego is speaking too loudly again*

Breathe, take a pill; it will be all right in a few minutes. Swallow the pain; push it out of your mind. You are just sinking to a new lower level. It will seem normal in a day or two, it always does.

*She unclenches her fists and lets herself fall back into the familiar, comfortable arms of deceit*

The last fleeting thought before going back into the dream,

“How many more steps could possibly be left beneath?”

I missed photo Sunday

2006-03-13T10:43:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine has gotten me to digging out
some very old photos of myself.

Here's my punk phase. (Circa 1990)

Notice my astonishingly cluttered bedroom. This my was first "basement bedroom" and as with most kids, the beginning of my "freedom" and self-expression. The basement was perfect for sneaking out of the house at night. Lots of good times were had in that room. I wish I could re-live this time in my life. In the picture above, I am wearing my the my grandfather's suit jacket. He ended up being buried in it a year later. I loved that jacket...

My parents were actually pretty supportive of my self-expression. Somehow I always managed to maintain the "good child" image.
Too bad it wasn't true.
It's kinda crazy, but I remember at this time
in my life thinking that I was so fat.

Tex Avery

2006-03-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

I came across this cartoon still today and I instantly felt all warm and fuzzy :) Strange how an image/memory can transport you back just for an instant. This was a cartoon by Tex Avery that I watched many times as a kid.

Does anyone else remember it?

Global Dimming

2006-03-03T09:54:00.000-05:00

I followed a link from Nameis's blog this morning to a transcript of a program which aired in the UK on the BBC. This transcript of the show is a bit long, but every word is worth reading.

Very frightening stuff is happening to/on our planet and we need to pay attention for the sake of the generations to come. This article brought to mind images of the Earth's blackened sky in the Matrix movies.

The implications of this phenom on people with seasonal effective disorder (ie: Me) would also be an interesting avenue to explore.

by Adrienne Rich

2006-02-24T16:51:00.000-05:00

Stripped
you're beginning to float free
up through the smoke of bushfires
and incinerators
the unleafed branches won't hold you
nor the radar aerials

You're what the autumn knew would happen
after the last collapse
of primary colour
once the last absolutes were torn to pieces
you could begin

How you broke open, what sheathed you
until this moment
I know nothing about it
my ignorance of you amazes me
now that I watch you
starting to give yourself
away to the wind

Skin

2006-02-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

I wish you were all here right now to talk to me. I feel better during the day, but the nights are tough when I'm tired after a whole day of stressing and over thinking my life. I get to the point where my skin starts to crawl from anxiety. I need "out of my head".... I fixate on minute things and blow them out of proportion because of the underlying issues going on in my life.

I feel so needy right now and I hate it. That's not the person I usually am, or at least that I don't want to be. All of my neurosis and insecurities are magnified by ten times right now. It's causing me to ruin the only things that I truly want. I can barely stand to be around myself and I really can't blame anyone else for not wanting to be around me as well. Yet, that is the very thing that I need to get through this time.

Self-sabotage I suppose... I'm rambling and need to sleep. Goodnight stranger friends.

Thank you

2006-02-19T13:35:00.000-05:00

Every Sunday Post Secret puts up new postcards. Today I checked the blog just as I do every week. This was one of the new postings. Tears instantly began pouring down my cheeks.

Thursday my therapist asked me if I was "happy to be alive". I hesitated before answering. "Happy" is too strong a word for me to use right now. But, yesterday was my son's 9th birthday and I'm glad that I didn't miss it.

Thank you to all my fellow bloggers for the kind words and offers of support.

I owe another thank you to a person that saved my life that night. However, each time I think about saying it, I also feel equally just as angry.

*Repeat with me* Onward and upward...

Honesty

2006-02-14T09:32:00.001-05:00

I've debated for two days whether to post this entry. But, as I've said before, if you can't tell your deepest, darkest secrets to a bunch of strangers, then whom can you tell? I've been virtually silent for months, keeping it all inside.

So, here it goes....

Last Wednesday night, I'd had enough - literally reached my limit. Enough pain, hurt, self-pity, guilt, and sadness. I decided I did not want to live to see Thursday.

If you have never personally felt such complete and hopeless despair, then I do not have enough words to make you understand "where I was at" emotionally. If you choose to judge me, do not read any further. If you have "been there", than no explanation is necessary.

I tried very hard to go and it almost worked. But, obviously (and thankfully) it wasn't in the cards. I will leave out the details, better left forgotten.

When I awoke in the hospital someone said to me, "If you had really wanted to kill yourself, you would have, it's not that hard to do. This was just a cry for help." I looked them square in the face and said, "If I'd have owned a gun, I guarantee I wouldn't be sitting here to hear the stupid comment you just made to me."

Overdosing allowed for a moment of clarity and regret, before falling asleep, which helped to save me. A gun would not have been so forgiving or have let me momentarily re-evaluate my yearning for release. The mistake would have been permanent instead of just the desperate, overwhelming error in judgment that it was.

At the time, I knew my life could be much worse. I knew there were other people surviving through a lot more crap than me. I knew (know) how much I have to live for and be grateful for. I knew how horribly selfish it was to think this was a solution, an easy way out. I knew I was most likely ruining my son's life, but I thought he'd be better off without me. None of those things mattered then, that night.

Simply put, I no longer wanted to be the source of anyone's pain, anger, or disappointment. I now realize that if it had worked, that I would have instead succeeded in forever aligning myself as a source of all those things for the people that love me.

What now? It's got to be "up" from here. This was the bottom I have been plummeting toward for months. Know that love and support (personal and professional) is coming out of the woodwork. At this moment, I feel as if I can now honestly say that I tried absolutely everything within my power to be a failure. None of it has worked. For some unexplainable reason, this has left me feeling stronger and more ready than ever to face my life. After all, there's no other choices left.

Why blog about this? I'm not sure.
What do I expect anyone to say about all this? Nothing much.

The best and worst of times

2006-02-06T12:56:00.001-05:00

A post to say that last night SHE moved back home. Gratefulness swells in my soul, even through it all, the only place I truly find a moment of "safe" rest seems to be in her arms. My heart skipped a beat when she actually walked through the front door. Until that moment I didn't want to let myself believe it would happen.

What should be a joyous start to a new life together is instead an immediate, rushed and sometimes strained mission of necessity. An act of selflessness (through somewhat clenched teeth) for her, mental survival for me. A delicate and fragile strand of love between us holding the whole thing together.

For now this is how it must be. A house built on a shaky foundation trying to withstand a hurricane. A hope and a prayer that the strand will strengthen as this "impossible" time in our lives passes.

Counting my blessings....prayers for strength appreciated.

Sums it up

2006-02-06T12:45:00.001-05:00

Snow Day
by Lisa Loeb

it's a bad day.
it's a train ride.
it's a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a snow day.
it's a full moon.
it's a snow day.

when'd you get down to my bones?
where'll i find that wishing stone?
the beads, the records,
all the calls, and the drinks alone.

first by mind, then by music
you'll make this all less confusing.
it's a slow dive down,
a fast distraction,
a strange fall forward -
my lame reaction.

it's a bad day.
it's a long ride.
It s a bad day.
you're my medicine.

it's a sinking feeling,
pulls me through the seat of chairs.
when will you come rescue me,
find solace, and then take me there?

you'll say, "you re not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.
you're not too tired for this life, and
it's not gonna matter if you fall down twice.

Closure and Healing

2006-01-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

I finally have some closure on a huge issue that has been affecting my life for more than a year and a half.

Now I will begin to move past it and get on with living. Thank you to everyone for the "blind" support that you have offered me. I still don't feel like I can talk about it, and I'm not sure that I ever will. But, know that the prayers and positive thoughts have been appreciated.

There will be some time in the near future when I won't be blogging, but after that, hopefully I can begin again on a more regular basis.

As Nancy =) would say, "Kiss the sky".

With Love,
Sublime

Another Day

2006-01-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm having another one of those days where I need blessings, prayers and positive thoughts of support for me.

I'd appreciate it very much if everyone who reads this could take a few minutes today to send this to me silently.

Much appreciated,
Sublime

Say Cheese

2006-01-05T13:55:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd share this picture taken of my dear friend Mark and I on New Year's Eve.

The Way We Were......

2005-12-31T14:57:00.000-05:00

I couldn't let the year end without at least a post to say Happy New Year everyone.

So many things have been happening lately that I don't think I could keep up blogging them if I tried. Know that I am doing much, much better and feel that I'll be starting 2006 with a clean slate.

Tonight I will be surrounded by friends, some new, some old, but all wonderful. I wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's Eve!

Merry Christmas to you...

2005-12-22T16:02:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to say Happy Holidays to all my dear blogger friends. May you all drink lots of egg nog, gracefully survive any family gatherings and be blessed with knowing you are loved.

Merry Christmas everyone!

One down and one to go...

2005-12-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

It's only quarter after 3:00 in the afternoon and I've already had 2 bloody mary's. But, at least I survived the office holiday party. The cold/flu I've been suffering all week seems to have subsided or is possibly just experiencing a vodka induced lull.

My son is gone to his Dad's house for the weekend and I'm off work the rest of the day. In a few hours I'll be on to another more festive and fun party this evening. I fit into a pair of pants yesterday that I haven't been able to wear in 6 years, so to celebrate I'm leaving to go find/buy a sassy little(r) outfit for the party. I'll try to Flickr a few photos of me and the boys tonight (if I remember).

Christmas presents for my liver might be in order this year (it's had a rough couple of months).

Official tally sheet:
4 1/2 months apart
10 sessions with my therapist
30 lbs. lost
5 new friends made
all blessings counted

Cheers!

James Blunt

2005-12-05T11:42:00.000-05:00

He has a simply amazing voice and deep, rich lyrics. He performed on SNL this last Saturday and sang this song. I was in instantly in tears, my exact feelings in song version. I bought his CD, "Back To Bedlam" on Sunday. The whole thing is wonderful. If you haven't heard him yet, hopefully you soon will.

Goodbye My Lover (Lyrics)

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Everything Was About To Change

2005-12-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

This photo was taken of me (c. 1996) on an unseasonably warm spring day. I was out walking in a huge park we have here in Oblivion, it's a day I vividly remember.

I was freshly out of a 2 year relationship with a high school sweetheart. That year, I was enjoying having turned 21 years old and reaching legal drinking age. Me and some friends would go out to the bars almost nightly and knew the drink specials of every place in town. I was renting a large, old house in our local historical district and working in a photo lab. I was just beginning to be honest with myself about my sexuality. I felt free and carefree... Little did i know, everything was about to change. This was about a month before I found out I was pregnant.

I never believed that I wanted to have any children. I use to say that if I ever got pregnant, I would have an abortion. I believed there were already enough children in the world that needed people to love them. I'd never been around too many kids and didn't even particularly care for them. My son came as a surprise. But, oddly, when the 3 home pregnancy tests confirmed that he was on the way, I never once questioned that I would keep the baby. It truly was the day that changed my life forever.

Looking back at this photo now knowing where my life was headed, makes me want to reach out to the girl in the photo and tell her that her world is about to be shaken. I also want to tell her that it's going to be alright.

Sunday comes late...

2005-11-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of me (c.1997) taken in Key West, FL. while on vacation with my mother. We had a wonderful time sipping drinks (morning, noon and night!) shopping, and just hanging together. My son was only a few months old at the time and this was the first time I had been away from him. I remember wondering if I was a bad mother because I wanted to go on vacation. Seems so silly now...lol.

I was young, thin, had BIG hair and felt like a new chapter in my life was about to be written. Not long after returning from vacation, I came out of the closet to my family. In a sense, it really was a new beginning for me...

Thankful

2005-11-23T08:57:00.000-05:00

I am thankful every day for my son, my family and friends (including blogger friends) that have helped me through these difficult months. In the last year, I have come to realize how blessed I truly am. Sometimes the result of seemingly extraordinarily hard circumstances can be gratefulness. This lesson I've learned is one that I hope to never forget.

Last year around Thanksgiving I was severely depressed. On Thanksgiving day, Me and my partner got into some stupid argument (over something I can't recall) and I remember sitting in my basement, on a chair crying. I said, "Today's Thanksgiving and I have nothing to be thankful for.” Basically, I was having a big pity party for myself.

It had snowed a lot that day and in the afternoon I went out to warm up and clean off my car, because I had to go pick up my Grandma for dinner. I briefly came back in the house and five minutes later my son comes running into the kitchen asking if I already left. I said, "No, I'm right here, silly." Then he said, "Oh, I thought you left, because your car is gone." I looked out the window and he was right....my car WAS GONE! Someone must have seen me start it up and go back in the house, then decided to take off in it. I was in shock...getting your car stolen on Thanksgiving is not pleasant. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. I ended up getting the car back, practically unharmed, a few days later. The moral of the story? Life took swift action in reminding me exactly how much I did have to be thankful for, and that things can get much worse.

I have never felt like a strong person until now. That day was the beginning of a year filled with many tests of my true strength. One of my toughest challenges has been realizing that I took my partner (and a few other people) mostly for granted. In the case of HER, I have paid the ultimate price. For the others, I will try to reach out and re-establish our bonds.

As I look back over this time, I've come to realize that not only am I strong, but I am also brave, deserving of the love others have for me and very, very thankful for all the things and people that I have in my life.

Hugs and kisses to everyone that reads this blog. You have all become like distant, extended family of sorts. Your own writings have inspired me, at times brought me to tears, and often made me laugh out loud.

I hope I can look back next year and find that I've had days filled more with love and laughter, than heartache. I wish each and every one of us a very happy Thanksgiving tomorrow.

PS - For all my GLBT friends, do you like the gay pride turkey I designed? Feel free to post him on your blog if you want! :)

Sunday comes early...

2005-11-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

I will probably not be around to post for Photo Sunday this week, so I thought I'd put up my picture early. This was taken of me (c. 1997) at a bar called "The Groovy Mule" near Dallas, TX. A good friend of mine (who I was in town visiting) worked as a bartender at this bar. The only thing I really remember from that night is that I was drinking the house specialty called "Mule Fuel" and woke up the next morning with 10 of their commemorative cups (all of which I'm pretty sure I drank myself...lol). That's a good drunk smile if ever there was one!

Notice how the choker necklace nicely accents the scar on my neck from where I had part of my thyroid removed earlier that year. (Click on the pictre to enlarge)

I Hated High School

2005-11-13T10:07:00.000-05:00

Here's me the summer before my senior year of high school (c. 1991-92) at my best friend's house. She lived with her Grandparents and actually had a sliding door in her room that led to the backyard. Not sure which genius thought it was a good idea to give a 17 year old girl a bedroom with her own private entrance, but it was WONDERFUL for us! We would sneak out and go drinking, then creep back in at ungodly hours of the night.

My hair was the longest it's ever been in my life. I had two new hair wraps in from the latest Dead show I'd just been to in Chicago. I so needed someone to tell me I should be plucking my eyebrows and I'm not sure how I ever thought it was stylish to wear black nylons and shorts?? But, it was all the rage with me and my friends at the time...lol.

Little Sublime

2005-11-11T11:25:00.000-05:00

I came across this Kindergarten picture (c. 1979) and thought I'd share. Check out the Holly Hobby dress and home haircut!

The PC Club

2005-11-09T15:41:00.000-05:00

I heart postcards.

I love to send and receive postcards. I've always collected interesting postcards, on and on. So, this idea has been stewing in my head for awhile (frankly, ever since I came across the Post Secret blog) and now feels like the time to act upon it.

I'm starting a Postcard Club ("The PC Club" for lack of a better name). The premise is simple.... I will start a list of the names and addresses of people that want to send/receive postcards. Once a month I will send a postcard to you and you can send one back to me. That's it! Just a bit of something fun and interesting showing up in your mailbox on a random day.

If enough people sign up to participate, I'll think of someway to start a rotating Postcard pool where you can send a card to someone new each month. The trick with that is that some people may not want their info (name, address) shared with others. I have a PO Box, so that makes it easier...

If anyone should feel moved to participate and throw their hat into the ring, send me an email with your name (real and/or blogger) and address. Also, be sure to include a note stating if you want your info kept private or if you don't mind sharing with other Postcard Club members down the road.

This could be be alot of fun.... Email me at
sublimedesign[at]sbcglobal.net to join the list. Please do not post your info in the comments section!!

Grateful

2005-11-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I made it through the day. Thank you for the supportive words and thoughts.

The day was very stressful and I'm exhausted. Everything was not quite laid to rest as expected. I will have to endure one more day of this in just over a month from now. However, the worst of it is over and many of my fears have passed.

I have found sources of strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. Most of all, I thank the greater good.

"My brother, peace and joy I offer you,
That I may have God's peace and joy as mine."
-ACIM, Lesson #105

"I will be still and listen to the truth."
-ACIM, Lesson #106

Day Two

2005-11-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning to remember that tomorrow is Day Two.

"My panic level is already going through the roof." I said, while popping my first Xanex of the day.

Think of the worst day of your life, multiply it by two and then you can imagine what my fear of tomorrow is like. Until now, I've basically been counting down the days and just trying not to think about it. I should have written up this post yesterday, because right now I am so consumed with anxiety that isn't allowing me to think very clearly.

It is a necessary day that will allow me to move on to a new chapter in my life, for that I am grateful. But, it's the unknown, the stress and the chance of a negative outcome that's grabbing me by the neck.

I need arms around my shoulders, positive words whispered in my direction, and all the prayers anyone can offer for me for a good outcome tomorrow. Light a candle for me today, will ya?

If things go ok, I'll try to post tomorrow night.

Happy Halloween

2005-10-31T08:58:00.000-05:00

Check out all the new Flickr pictures I uploaded over the weekend during my Halloween party jaunts...

Can't decide which is scarier...

2005-10-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

... the Halloween costumes my brother and I are wearing in this picture (c. 1979) or my Grandmother's zebra striped couch in the background. This might also be proof that I had a fondness for nude women, even back then.

Laughter

2005-10-18T08:42:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't seen this.....

1. Go to Google (http://www.google.com)

2. Type in the word "failure"

3. Instead of clicking "Google Search" click "I'm Feeling Lucky"

4. Laugh out loud

5. Spread the word before the people at Google "fix" it

Checking in

2005-10-11T08:55:00.000-05:00

I wanted to check in and let everyone know I'm doing ok. It seems I've managed to muster a little peace, however I'm still "resting my eyes".

Maybe I'll be ready to talk in a few days.

Until then, take care.

- Sublime

...Out of Dodge

2005-10-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

I am leaving for awhile to repair my mind. Goodbye for now...

Home Sweet Home

2005-09-22T09:55:00.000-05:00

A post on Inger’s blog has me thinking about the concept of “home”. It occurred to me while reading it that I’ve never really had someplace feel too much like “home”.

Of course, I have a house now, but it seems empty. The houses of my childhood also seemed empty. No big family dinners to reminisce about, no wonderful backyard parties, no cookies baking in the oven, no family traditions (maybe those are all “Hallmark card” things and not reality anyway). Basically, there was just not a lot of happiness, but not unhappy either, rather in-between - like I have always felt.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone around me that could show me what happiness was like. I’m not sure I know what it is to be truly happy, I’ve never expected happiness for myself, or maybe have just never thought it was obtainable. In a lot of ways my parents were severely unhappy. Married young, worked way too much, relationship started suffering, problems raising my brother, relatives with big issues, etc. No one ever seemed happy or satisfied with his or her lives. The houses we lived in always seemed quiet, impassive and numb. I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. Materially, I had a lot of things to be thankful for and tons of people had it a lot worse off than us. But emotionally, it’s like we were stunted.

I guess I’ve always mirrored that because I didn’t know it could be any different. As I grew up, I surrounded myself with even more unhappiness with the friends I chose, things I did, and so on. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. Julian’s Dad wanted to marry me, but I knew I was in the closet and didn’t want anything to do with him. Two weeks after Julian was born, I came OUT (perfect timing, I know), then moved out. I was on my “own” for the first time and now with a child. Eventually meeting my partner when Julian was just over a year old. It was magical and I was head-over-heels in love. Things seemed right for the first time ever. A few years later we bought our house together. For me, it was a huge deal and I was determined it would become a “home” full of great family memories. I remember being so excited the day of the signing, like I was starting out on a new adventure. Me, HER and my son in a house, like a real family.

I think one of the reasons this separation between HER and me has been so painful is because I treasure our “family”. “We might not have much, but we’ve got each other” type of thing. I wanted Julian to grow up feeling happiness, togetherness, joy, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The last year or two I have felt the house start feeling more and more empty as the spaces between us widened. The loneliness I’ve always been so familiar with seemed to seep into the foundation and permeate the walls until it finally overtook the whole house and us.

Now, in these weeks since she’s left, after the initial shock wore off, I’ve been feeling like there’s more and more hope each day. I feel like fighting back against that darkness and throwing open all the windows and doors. I feel like standing up and declaring “Enough is enough, I want to be HAPPY.”

Send your condolences to my liver

2005-09-20T11:13:00.000-05:00

I think I finally killed it off this past weekend....

I did lots of good old fashioned drowning of my sorrows.

Somehow it seemed to have worked wonders, at least until I sobered up.

It took until today to finally feel human again, but at least I can say I had fun.

Critique

2005-09-19T21:34:00.001-05:00

Once in awhile I like to put my poetry up for review... I'd completely forgot that I'd written this one for HER more than a year ago. I came across it today reading through some of my first posts on this blog. Since most people don't often read through the archives, I thought I'd re-post it for all the new readers. Like to know what people honestly think... is it ok, cheesy, or just plain bad?
_______________________________________________________

The Sun
is one thing I would
not want to be.

The Sun
will never consider
how your mouth
feels (meeting mine)
when I kiss you
alone in the dark.

It (naturally a being of lightness)
would never recognize
the beauty of holding you
(laying asleep)
during hours
of darkness.

Upon it
would be lost
the art and sanctity
of studying your face
in dim light.

The Sun
could not comprehend
feeling the aliveness
(so fiercely I wanted to weep)
of seeing
the meaning of life
(unfolding)
among your thighs
by candlelight.

Nor, will the Sun
ever dwell
in the knowledge of
how exquisite
moonlight tastes
shining freshly
on your skin.

To give up
every next day
under the sun
would be a small
price to pay
for living with you
beneath the moon.

-Sublime

Please do not choke me...

2005-09-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Dear blogger friends,

Please do not choke me… But, this is another one about HER. Every day lately is like spinning a wheel, you never know how SHE or I will react. One day fine, the next, not so fine.

I suppose I'm hoping that by baring it all on these pages, it will somehow expose the "dirty secret" of the hell I'm putting myself through so I can come to terms with how I've been acting.

PS: Please excuse the outbursts of foul language.
____________________________________________

4:15 pm - Day One events end

No cell phone reception until 5:00 while driving

5:15 - First call to HER cell phone, as previously
discussed, arranged and agreed to by HER
to talk about Day One outcome - No answer

5:30 - Pick up my son, he wants to call HER
HER cell phone is off (which to me means she saw
that I called at 5:15. Didn’t call me back, want to
talk to me, or give a shit about Day One outcome
- hence phone off)

5:45 – Phone off

7:30 – She answers, “Well? How did it go?”
With my son standing there, I could not talk about it, my head was
splitting open from pain, my heart doing likewise over
her lack of caring/concern. HER, “I’ll call you back later.”

7:31 – 8:29 - Me foolishly thinking she will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me after “Day One”
(these thoughts pretty much were applied throughout the
whole day, not just specified time frame)

8:30 - my son goes to bed, my Xanex has wore off
No call
Panic attack over day’s events setting in

9:45 – No answer, I leave panicked message to please call me back

10:00 – Phone off
10:01 - Nearly hysterical
10:05 – Phone call to house where SHE is staying – no answer
10:10 – (See previous entry, repeat)
10:15 – My phone rings, HER screaming at me that I’m stalking HER
Officially hysterical, now also dealing with the screaming and stalking comment
10:17 – She hangs up on me

1:00 - 4:30 am – Me waking up repeatedly, resuming panicked feelings

5:15 – Calling cell phone (SHE answers on her way to work)
I apologize for previous night’s hysterical outburst
Go on to tell HER about Day One outcome
genuine concern and shock over magnitude of Day One events
Me thinking, “NO SHIT! Really, I hadn’t realized it was such
a bad day.”

10:00 – HER calling me at work, going off about Day One events, feeling a bit of what it was like to be in my shoes.
10:07 - HER, “I’ll call you back.”

Presently – Me foolishly thinking/hoping SHE will actually call me back
and/or stop by the house to comfort me today to make up for yesterday

...and I'd still be happy if she did actually show up or call.

_____________________________________________________

Really, what the FUCK is wrong with me? After the stress of my day, why did I do this to myself? I see a repeated pattern here – ME! ME! ME! I have no one else to blame, but ME! Why do I think a magical moment from her on the phone is going to heal my every sorrow or save my soul? What she thought of as stalking was me desperately trying to reach out for someone who would have normally comforted me in this time of great stress.

Maybe I should just get my phone disconnected, break my dialing fingers or have my mind erased. Feel free to ridicule me in the comments, I deserve it.

Alive

2005-09-15T08:41:00.000-05:00

"Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You’re still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers.."

If you don't already know, these are lyrics from the song, Alive, by Pearl Jam. Ever since the song was released it has always popped up in my life whenever I am in crisis, (like at the exact moment). I use to not think much about it, but it has gotten very deliberate.

Yesterday afternoon it did not disappoint, and when I was driving home it came on the radio. I thought it might be a good way to let you all know that I survived Day One.

The encouraging comments everyone left on my last post did indeed seem to sprout hands that I reassuringly felt on my shoulder throughout the day. Thank you to everyone for the support.

Positive thoughts and prayers

2005-09-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

I don't usually blatantly ask for positive thoughts and prayers to be sent my way, but please allow me this exception.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be facing an extremely difficult and very stressful day in my life (which is an understatement). Sorry I cannot elaborate, but maybe some day when I'm ready to get it off my chest, I will.

Tomorrow will be Day One of a two part series (or, as I like to call it, the beginning of the grateful end). The second date has not yet been determined, but promises to be even more traumatic than tomorrow. These days have been a long time coming. Even though it is so painful to deal with, once over, it will be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that I've carried around for more than a year.

I'd like to think that by combining the power and positiveness in us all, that it could possibly make a difference for me tomorrow. It would be helpful to have some words to hold onto tomorrow during the difficult times if you have any to share.

I ask for a small place in your prayers, positive thoughts, angel blessings, pagan rituals, Zen meditations, cosmic wonderings, Santeria sacrifices, and - *insert other spiritual fervors here* - tonight and tomorrow if you would be so kind as to remember me…..because I will need them all.

Ellis

2005-09-10T23:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had the unexpected pleasure of seeing Ellis play a small concert here in our city. Before a few days ago, I had never heard of her. There's some sample songs on her website if you want to take a listen.

Earlier in the evening, I went to dinner with a few friends and then they suggested we go see her performance. It was a small, intimate setting and I was utterly transfixed on the music from beginning to end. I wound up buying two of her CD's, both of which she signed for me.

Simply put, she was amazing... I can't believe she hasn't "made it" in a big way yet. Someone did tell me that she has been featured in Girlfriends magazine, but I don't remember seeing the article. Not only is she a sexy lesbian with a guitar, but she also had some of the most heartfelt song lyrics I've heard in a long time. If I had to describe her sound, I would say she is kind of a folksy Alanis Morissette.

I wonder if anyone of you have ever heard of her, or have seen her perform? If not, be sure to check the tour dates and see her if you can!

The question has been decided for me

2005-09-08T15:31:00.001-05:00

I called to see what she might
like tomorrow night for a
dinner I planned on making for us

She responded by telling me
she doesn't want to come back home yet

Why did I set myself up to be crushed?

I guess the question has been
decided for me...

I feel so pathetic and sad.

Disregard previous post.

My Big Question

2005-09-08T10:46:00.001-05:00

Here I stand at a crossroads

Feeling terrified
of making the wrong decision
My emotions still tumble and lurch
like rocks put in a dryer
Only not as rapidly now
seeming to merely prolong the pain
that manages to keep
creeping in sometime during
the night while I’m asleep

HER past words still
ring freshly in my ears
as if they’ve just been spoken
“Don’t settle for me”
“I believe there’s someone
else out there for you better
than me”
It sounds like an excuse
to NOT be “the one for me”
I’ve never felt
like I was settling
But maybe SHE is right
I do not know any more

Tomorrow is suppose to be
the day SHE possibly comes home
Holding my breath (but trying not to)
Looking at the sunshine
On the other side of the open door I have
yet to walk through
Knowing it could be
slammed at any moment

A friendly face turned to me
and asked, “Is it worth it?”
Impulsively a “yes” then only
uncertainty

It’s been almost 6 weeks
Since SHE walked out
I was left, “served divorce papers”
and cut off emotionally and
completely in one moment
At least a “divorce” between those
able to be legally married
is gradual
for US there isn’t that luxury

At times it has gotten easier
I can go more than a day
without calling HER
I can go an hour without
thinking about HER
I can go a moment without
remembering I’m sad

Maybe it’s better to forget
Trudge on through the pain
I don’t want to go backwards
There’s no saving
the old relationship
Not enough
“I’m sorry’s” to go around
It would have to be
a whole new relationship
with commitment
to building it from both sides

“Is it possible?”
I wonder aloud
before starting to cry
again -
still

I hear the White Stripes sing,
“Is this really love?”

Light

2005-09-06T14:32:00.001-05:00

Taking things very s-l-o-w-l-y.....

Me and HER are (attempting) to talk things through.

Best time in a long time (Part II)

2005-08-31T10:21:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday morning I woke up early, even though we'd gotten home late from the concert. I called HER to tell her about the concert and that I'd gotten her a t-shirt. The conversation went well (the best one in awhile) and she asked if I wanted her to stop over at the house.

She arrived a bit later and I was happy to see HER. She was happy to see me also and we sat and talked for the next few hours. Just about everything, including the subject of US. We jointly came to the conclusion that we do still love each other, but this time apart has been/is a good thing. Which I have come to believe over the last four weeks. Of course, as you know, the beginning of the separation was terribly painful. After the anger and hurt began to subside, I started feeling ok with it (maybe the meds just kicked in...lol).

It wasn't until I began showing signs of "intelligent life" re-emerging that we started speaking to each other again. I stuck to my "maintaining radio silence" policy on calling HER. I would only talk to HER if she called me. This seemed to be working out pretty well and helped me to maintain my sanity.

Anyway, once it was time for HER to leave, we actually hugged and kissed (quickly) goodbye. It felt good to have talked through some things. It was also nice to have some pleasant time together with no drama. I'm still terribly in love with HER, but I tried to keep it mostly suppressed since we seemed to be making some progress.

My day continued with an invitation from some friends to have lunch and see a movie. The one friend is the same person that went to the concert with me. The other person is also a woman that is a "newer friend". These women have been so supportive of me even considering the short amount of time I've known them. I met them about the same time as our breakup happened and ever since, they each call me almost everyday and make sure I always have things to do when wanted. I feel very fortunate to have had the "right people" show up at the "right time" in my life lately. So, we went and had a nice lunch and then saw "Skeleton Key" which was a little disappointing, but made up for it by featuring the luscious Kate Hudson partially nude at one point.

By the time the movie was over, I felt exhausted from being out so late on Friday and getting up so early that morning. I went home and decided I was not going back out for the evening as I had planned. Instead I got out a stack of magazines I'd been neglecting, changed into comfortable clothes and spent the evening on the couch. Something I haven't done in a long time... but much needed.

Sunday was the icing on the cake. Coming soon...

Best time in a long time

2005-08-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to say that this weekend turned out to be one of the best one's I've had in over a year (maybe longer). I'm still basking in the glow of it all.

Friday started out as an actual fun work day. We had our company summer outing (minature golf - see Flickr pic of my co-worker). Followed by a great catered lunch and team prizes. I got a hole-in-one! The outing was over by 2:30 and that meant I didn't have to take any vacation time for going to the concert in the afternoon.

The concert was FABULOUS and I truly mean that. From start to finish! But, let me back up.... Me and my friend traveled down state to Noblesville (it's near Indianapolis, ADH) leaving around 3:30 pm. It takes about 3 hours from Oblivion to get there.

The person I ended up going with is a "newer" friend. Earlier in the day I had wondered what it was going to be like spending that much time with her and would we have enough things to talk about during the long drive. Well, it turns out that she IS very talkative (opposite of me). But, it was a good thing, because I got to sit back and enjoy the drive without having to really say too much. We stopped and ate at a Sonic on our way there because I'd never been to one before. See my Flickr photo of the menu board (I couldn't resist)! The food was delicious and greasy, plus the carhops had on rollerskates - which made it even cooler.

We arrived at the concert venue right on time. Got parked, got frisked and made it inside with no problem. Our first stop was the merchandise booth (do you really think I could pass up the opportunity to buy a ridiculously overpriced t-shirt?). I mean, t-shirts are my life! Not only did I by one, but I also thought I'd be nice and buy HER one too. I also bought a cute basball cap with Kenny Chesney emblazzened on it. What was the grand total you might ask? $95! But, in my eyes, money well spent (considering what a wonderful time I was about to have).

Then we were off to find somewhere to sit. The place was JAM PACKED, afterall, it was sold out. We had lawn seats and people were already filling up all the way to the top of the hill. As luck would have it, we had just started our climb up the hill when we noticed some people moving their blankets and lawn chairs forward. We dashed into the newly formed open space and planted ourselves there. The view was wonderful! (Really hard to tell from the Flickr pics). By the way, you can see a pic of me (on the left) and my friend (on the right), pay no attention to my completely flat hair - the humidity was terrible, but notice the huge smile!

Pat Green played first and was really good. I only knew one song of his, which is "Wave on Wave". Then Gretchen Wilson played for about an hour. I've never listened to much of her music before either, but she has a wonderful voice. For me, the highlight of her set was "Straight On" by Heart into "Black Dog" by Led Zepplin. Next came Kenny and everyone wend wild. He opened up with a song that I don't really care for, but then made up for it the rest of the night. At one point Kenny said, "I hope you all checked your worries at the gate, and just enjoy the show." For me, that summed up my whole evening and the rest of the concert I tried just staying in the moment. Uncle Cracker came out towards the end of the show and did a few songs. At one point him and Kenny were almost rapping during "Cowboy" by Kidd Rock. It was sorta surreal....lol.

And this just happened all on Friday! The events of Saturday and Sunday might follow once I can process it all in my head :)

Concert

2005-08-26T10:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am off to see Kenny Chesney! You'd think going to a concert would be something simple. Think again...

I originally bought these tickets for HER birthday so that her and two friends could go. I'm not a big country music fan (except for Kenny), so originally I wasn't going to go. I thought it would be nice for her to spend time with friends instead. The concert sold out I think in the same day. As the concert approached, we saw more tickets on Ebay and talked about me going too. I ended up buying a fourth ticket for myself and paying $100 for it (a lawn seat at that)! I was really looking forward to going getting out of Oblivion and having a good time.

Enter in one breakup and said tickets still in my possession.

Many arguments later it was decided to sell all 4 tickets. Well, a few days after that she called back and offered to buy them from me. Like HELL was someone going in my place. Maybe childish of me, but that's how I felt. After a few more arguments and subsequent cooling off periods me and HER decided to just go together and sell the other two tickets. Mind you, this was on Monday. Yesterday, she calls me to say she's had the flu for the previous two days and didn't think it was a good idea to go.

*insert random unrepeatable expressions of frustration*

Long story short, I was able to sell two of the tickets on Ebay last night! They were e-tickets so I just emailed them to the buyer. The auction sold in less than ten minutes and I got a little more back than I paid for them. After endless searching yesterday I was able to find a friend to go with me to the concert. Just got off the phone with her and everything is set...

Basically, I'm saying these tickets have been a maddening experience and I hope it will all be worth it. I'll try to Flickr some photos during the trip. Kenny here we come, Momma needs a good time! :)

Lesson 68

2005-08-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

I found that my ACIM lesson for today was exceptionally useful. I thought I might share it with everyone...

If you are uncomfortable with the words God or Creator, please feel free to substitute them for whatever fits you. It's the message that's important, not the mechanics.

Click here to read

It's a few paragraphs long, but worth it. Maybe it will be the best thing you read all day.

Trying

2005-08-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone all of your positive messages. I appreciate it and they have helped. Please excuse my lack of posts while trying to get my head (and heart) back together.